Bored (Shadows & Scars: Update 07)

July 27, 2011

10:14 pm

Location: The White House; Cookeville, TN

Listening to: Linkin Park, Meteora // So Long Forgotten, Things We Can See & Things We Cannot

................

[I wrote a blog about how I'm going through a phase of being bored with my own poems, especially the ones dealing with subject material that I'd rather just move past... and by the time I typed up half of it on here I got bored of that, so I got rid of it.

Writing and editing a book like this is strange because it is like spending hours upon hours talking to yourself. It can become tedious and even obnoxious quite quickly.

I spend too much time in my own head.

I'm looking forward to this weekend and the discussions therein.]

An Introduction to the Wanderer (Shadows & Scars: Update 06)

July 22, 2011

4:08 am

Location: Paris SDA Church; Paris, TN

Listening to: Showbread, Anorexia

He wanders because I wander. The Incarnation entered my world and came alongside me in my journey. Sometimes this makes me angry. Sometimes I wish He'd go back up to His throne and pull a few strings - lift this veil, or tighten the noose around my neck. Anything but the endless unknown.

But He doesn't. He just keeps walking next to me. And sometimes that is all I want: to be with Him, to follow Him anywhere, even if we wander forever through endless wastelands.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Best of You (Shadows & Scars: Update 05)

July 13, 2011

9:30 pm

Location: Lucio's house; Martin, TN

Listening to: Foo Fighters, In Your Honor

One of the interesting things about writing poetry is that you can wrestle and wrestle with a piece for months with very little progress, and then suddenly it will all start falling into place. Sometimes I feel like the poetry is writing me, instead of the other way around. Here is an example... I started working on this about three months ago, but it has only come together in the past couple weeks.

Let His Words Drain into the Gutter (Drink Every Drop, But Leave the Cup on the Table)

She stirs her coffee, slowly,
like a metaphor I can’t quite understand,
while I watch the steam rise and fade
in the morning sunlight, disappearing
like last night’s rain.

Tucking her hair behind her ear – even
her clichés are beautiful – she lifts
the cup to her lips, invites the moment in.

Her eyes are soft and brave,
but they are strangers to her smile,
as if she’d cast her pearls
at one too many less-than-great men.

I want to tell her:
Don’t sell yourself short.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve the best.

And while I am arrogant enough
to think of walking over
and paying the bill, as if
I could cancel all her debts,
(maybe even a few of my own)

I don’t believe
that my words can be offered
from anywhere but this distance –
close enough to convey,
far enough to retain their meaning.

One Last Disguise (Shadows & Scars: Update 04)

July 6, 2011

9:31 pm

Location: Hamburg, PA

Listening to: Project 86, Songs to Burn Your Bridges By

Progress has been slow. The writing process cannot be done entirely in solitude, but sometimes you do need to disconnect from everything and throw yourself completely into the material your working with. I have had some of these moments but I need like a week or a month, lol. Alas.

Here are a few excerpts from the poems I've been working on:

"She stirs her coffee, slowly,

like a metaphor I can’t quite understand,

while I watch the steam rise and fade

in the morning sunlight, like a metaphor

I’m all too familiar with."

"You put this gasoline

in my veins,

then denied me a match.

Still, I burn."

"Ironic, how

you were so afraid

I would leave,

but you are the one

walking away."

"My own personal Nagasaki.

A Hiroshima hit to the center

of my seven-year-old universe.

Instant devastation

as the mushroom cloud rose

like a headstone over our home."

and a "finished" poem, appropriately bridging UC and S&S:

I Feel the Weight of Every Word, Double-Edged

Sometimes confessions

evolve into inquisitions,

but still I hold the mirror –

covering half your face,

reflecting half of mine.

The blade cuts both ways.

Always.

Welcome! (again)

Re-Introducing: the Chrysalis.

The purpose of this blog is to provide a safe place for writers to grow and develop. As a community, we can help each other become better writers, both through honest constructive criticism and through mutual encouragement and inspiration.

Whether you:

• simply want to share something you've written,
• are looking for feedback,
• have a question about writing, or
• just want to share some thoughts on your own writing process,

we welcome you to the Chrysalis.

For an invitation to become an official member of the Chrysalis, please send an email to: balmandblade@gmail.com

When You Pray, Close the Door (Shadows and Scars: Update 03)

Day 101: June 18, 2011

9:46 pm

Location: Hamburg, PA

Listening to: Red, End of Silence and Innocence & Instinct

I've been working on gathering all my unpublished poems and poem fragments together in one place so I can sort through them and figure out which ones will end up in this book. Once I've gone through this process, I can work on writing new material.

Most of my writings are sufficiently organized on my computer, but I had to search through a number of various folders to gather up a few wandering sheep. The search turned up a few amusing results:

• A parody of Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do" that I wrote during the summer of 2006 when I was preaching an evangelistic series in Alabama, and yes it is about preaching that summer with my fellow field school classmates. Lol, good times.
• A document/poem entitled "Now I Will Tell You What You Mean To Me"... the document, except for title and date, is empty.
• A document created at 1:18 am on August 15, 2008 and entitled "224" contained only the following:
  "110
  10
  40
  =
  
  160"
  Something isn't adding up here... lol.

Besides that, I did find some good material, too. But it is a lot to sort through, both in quantity and content. Which brings me to something I've been thinking about for a while in regards to this book: I want/need prayer support. As some would say, I want this process to be "bathed in prayer." As I mentioned last time, I expect this to be a very challenging book to work through, and I'd appreciate all the prayer support I can get.

So I'd like to have a group of people dedicated to praying for me for the next number of months (hopefully not more than a year), at least once a week. I'll leave it up to you whether you set aside a certain day/time or whatever. Let the Holy Spirit lead you as to what to pray for, and also keep reading these updates to get an idea of what I might need specific prayers for.

But here's the catch: I don't want to know if you've decided to pray for me or not. God is not calling all of you to pray for me, and I don't want you to feel pressured or obligated to pray for me or say that you're praying for me, so I don't want to know one way or the other. Keep it to yourself. :-) I trust that those of you who God is calling will pray for me and knowing that God has chosen some of you is enough encouragement for me.

Now, of course if you want to pray for me randomly for whatever reason, by all means go for it... but what I'm talking about specifically here is dedicating yourself to at least once a week until the manuscript is finished. It is a big commitment and I hope you'll take the time to ask God before deciding, because it is not for everyone. But to those of you who do decide to be a part of the official Shadows & Scars prayer group, I thank you in advance.

~Jason

P.S. In my searching through documents I also found a document I forget existed: a poetry suite entitled "A Return to Purity." This collection of poems, put together in October 2006, would eventually become Unspoken Confessions. I'm not sure when the title changed, but it was sometime between then and when I turned in UC as my final project for Advanced Creative Writing at the end of that school year. Actually, I think the idea for UC came after this collection, but that many of the poems fit so well with my plans for UC that they were transferred over. The leftovers were either discarded or saved for later... some of which will end up in S&S, and some of which still await a future project. So there is your random bit of trivia for the evening.

More (Shadows and Scars: Update 02)

(written a couple weeks ago... just now getting around to posting it)

Day 80 - May 28, 2011

8:50 am

Location: IA Boys Dorm Apt., Cicero, IN

What is Shadows & Scars? Every book has a purpose, a goal. What am I trying to accomplish? What impact will this have on my readers? On me?

How do I even begin to describe the journey upon which I am about to embark? Not even that... I began this journey years ago. The beginnings of this book were actually compiled in 2005 as a 53-page collection that I shared with a few friends. It had a different title then and a different focus, but essentially, this is the first book I ever started writing.

So in one sense, as the second installment of the DarkLight series, this is the sequel to Unspoken Confessions. In another sense, it is a prequel, and in other ways it runs parallel to UC.

Now, back to the original question: what is Shadows & Scars? Truthfully, I'm not entirely sure yet. I only know that as I return to finish this book six years later, I am going to be working through a number of experiences specifically from the past decade but also dealing with things as far back as I can remember. Through this all, I will be seeking a variety of things, including:

• release and closure
• therapy
• vindication
• forgiveness, both given and received
• answers and explanations (heh... most of which I probably won't get)
• a deeper understanding of myself
• trust

Most of all I want to trust. This is the most crucial aspect of this whole journey. I want to trust Jesus in a profoundly life-changing way. I want to trust Him when it doesn't make sense. I want to trust Him when I can't see the end. I want to trust Him, not just through the pain, but in the pain.

In fact, this starts with trust. Most people spend the majority of their lives avoiding the most painful parts of their lives. I know... I've done the same at times. But this book is specifically about going there, going to the most painful experiences of my life - times when I am the giver and times when I am the receiver.

There is a part of me that is terrified to return to those places... terrified that I will get stuck there, somewhere in the abyss, that the pain will be too much to work through... But it must begin here with trust that the darkness He calls me into is the darkness He will overcome, in fact, has already overcome, and is ready and able to lead me through.

This is going to be dark. More dark than UC. More honest. More personal. It will require more trust. But, in the end, I believe there will also be more hope.

And that is what I want to accomplish. That through trust in Jesus, we may find a hope more beautiful and powerful than we could have ever imagined.

Day One (Shadows and Scars: Update 01)

Day 1 - March 10, 2011

8:37 pm

Location: The Asian Grill, Noblesville, IN

... I guess my point is that, while I've been working on this book in one form or another since 2003 or 2004, it is demanding to be written now. And so today is officially Day One of this project. It is long overdue, or perhaps right on time.

11:58 pm

Location: IA Boys Dorm Apt., Cicero, IN

It begins with a whiteboard outline and a prayer.

May Your blessing be upon this. May You give me wisdom and guidance. May this be for Your glory and may others be blessed by my words. Mold this book, and me, according to Your will.

--------------------------

--------------------------

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So I guess I should explain what is going on here a little bit. I'm keeping a journal specifically for this writing project to chronicle the process as well as give myself a place to work out all my thoughts. I will periodically be posting excerpts from that journal to give you all an inside look at the process. Hope you enjoy!

Shadows and Scars: Updates Coming Soon

For those of you who know what this means...

And for those of you who don't, you will soon.

The Convergence of Our Lives

I really like the quote we used on our latest bookmark:

"Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life." (Gabriel García Márquez)

We live our lives in these layers. As people get to know us and as we allow them to get closer to us, they progress past our public life and towards our private and sometimes even secret lives.

The fascinating thing about writing, though, is that when we write we tend to bypass this expected progression. I've found this to be especially true of creative writing. Through my writing, I end up sharing profoundly personal thoughts and experiences with people I don't even know, who I may never even meet. These people, who are barely even on the radar of my public life, are invited to enter into my private and secret lives through the written word.

As writers we often chose to break the rules of social etiquette for the sake of artistic expression. Or, perhaps it is for a deeper reason. Sharing our writings allows us to wear a broken mask, covering just enough of our face that we feel comfortable sharing, yet exposing just enough that we are able to share in an honest, compelling manner. I believe we share, not just for the sake of sharing, but in hopes that we will connect with someone out there, and in doing so that we will feel less alone. We find solace and meaning in shared experiences. We find purpose in being able to say, "I've been there too... don't give up, you can make it through" and "I've experienced that too and isn't it grand!"

Through writing, our lives converge. That is what Chrysalis is all about. We come here to share, to invite others into our lives and to be a part of theirs as well. And perhaps somewhere in this clumsy encounter, we will find something more than the mere exchange of ideas.

Welcome!

Introducing: the Chrysalis.

The purpose of this blog is to provide a safe place for writers to grow and develop. As a community, we can help each other become better writers, both through honest constructive criticism and through mutual encouragement and inspiration.

Whether you:

• simply want to share something you've written,
• are looking for feedback,
• have a question about writing, or
• just want to share some thoughts on your own writing process,

we welcome you to the Chrysalis.

For an invitation to become an official member of the Chrysalis, please send an email to: balmandblade@gmail.com