a PSA with testimonial evidence from victims and specialists (Shadows & Scars: Update 14)

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This one has been in the works for quite a while.  But it has been a LOT of fun to write. :-p

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7/22/11, Martin, TN

11/21/11, Penn Medicine at Valley Forge waiting area

1/27/12 // 3/25/12, Cicero, IN

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"I learned a lot about poets and poetry that day and it is my contention that poets are weak shy people who will not look you in the eye. They are like Horace, scribbling spidery things in dark corners, frightened of their fathers, the law, and everything else. They are women who expect their husbands to be mind-readers. They are resentful and cruel. They spend sunny days planning dark revenges where they will punish those who wish them well." (Peter Carey, Illywhacker)

“…a poet is a queer and incompetent creature, a daydreaming ne’er-do-well, an eccentric trying to escape the business of the everyday world, a soft and coddled soul.” (Louis Untermeyer)

5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date A Poet

1. Poetry.  As much as you may enjoy poetry, you must realize it is a farce created by poets to lure you into a deadly trap.  The gift itself is the poison, and a relationship built upon such duplicity is bound for destruction.  Consider this fair warning: whatever you are expecting, you will be disappointed. And I quote, “I’ve never met someone as complicated as you. It’s like travelling through the universe, and just when you think you’ve reached a planet where you can land, you discover a black hole instead.”
2. Family Dinners.  Poets are not the kind of guys you want to take home to meet your parents. They live almost entirely in their heads, engrossed in emotional symbols and metaphors, which means they don’t have a lot to add to dinner table discussions about the real world. Sure, it can be deceptively fascinating to read poetry, but there is no doubt it makes poor conversation.  In fact, poets write so much in hopes that they won’t be asked to speak at all.  If they do have to speak, however, it takes twice as long to formulate thoughts that aren’t even half as coherent as their written ones.
3. Happiness.  Plus, “poet” is certainly not the career choice which instills great confidence in parents wishing to ensure their daughter’s future security and well-being. And I quote, “Jason* has a job? Huh, well I’m surprised. I didn’t think he was ever going to do anything in life.”  It isn’t called the starving artist routine for nothing.  Poets don’t have a lot to offer when it comes to financial stability.
4. Reliability.  Or any kind of stability for that matter.  Poets thrive on melancholic endorphins.  They enjoy even their sadness.  While they will admit this is pretty twisted, they insist they like it that way.  Poets are dissatisfied with the status-quo, which means they are continually seeking discontentment; happiness is always their dream but when it approaches them, they find a way to escape.  And I quote, “Self-sabotage is totally your personality disorder.”  Is that really the kind of life you want to join?
5. Self-Obsession.  In fact, poets are egotistically focused on themselves.  Besides compiling their random thoughts into books and expecting people to pay hard-earned cash for the “privilege” of reading them, they generally orient their entire daily lives around self-promotion. Poets try to be self-abasing in an attempt to appear humble, when in actuality they know self-deprecation and self- aggrandizement are really twins.  They are very good at using clever disguises, though, to conceal their self-centeredness.   For example, a poet might make a list entitled “5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date A Poet” when what he really means is “5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date Me.” 

 *Names have not been changed in order to incriminate the guilty.  Call it “poetic justice” if you will, since poets do not respect others’ privacy.  If you get too close to a poet, your life (both the good and the bad) will end up in poetry for all to read. This is as inevitable as it is despicable.